Reflections

So I found out yest that one of my children wants nothing to do with my Mother after her actions after my Father died! IDK what to say or how to feel about this. I didn't say anything except listened to my child's reasoning & try to offer comfort but what do I do? Do I try to help foster forgiveness that I can't give myself.. UGH! (oh & BTW I know some of you are going to tell me all about the Bible & forgiveness. I get that.. part of my dilemma. It's way easier said than done, after a lifetime of hurt & wrongs). For me personally I am happier with this woman out of my life. I felt a weight lift off my chest when we cut that tie & I haven't looked back since. I don't think she even cares either as she hasn't tried to contact me. (there was one minor call where she wanted to know if she should bother sending Christmas gifts to the kids- they all refused them) I never thought I'd be able to actually cut a family member out of my life like that but I did and I feel like I'm all the better for it. I do have a peace about it, so is that forgiveness? I don't wish her ill will, I just don't care to have this toxic person & relationship in my life anymore. Surely God would understand that right??

Another part of the problem I have with this is that Brad & I are essentially cut off from ALL extended family! He refuses to speak to his Mother, Father & Sister for understandable reasons but still. It's been 8 1/2 years since he's bridged that gap. I've tried numerous times over the years to try to convince him to reconnect but each time it's backfired. At this point I'm sure they all think it's me!! Which is so far from the truth but oh well. But see again in this situation are the kids loosing out on grandparents or are we doing what Brad says & protecting them from these hurtful, toxic people in our lives??...hmmm

As for my Mother, her & I have had issues my whole life. She got stuck with a kid she didn't want & I ended up hearing & feeling it endlessly over the years. But up till now she's never done a thing against my kids. Both her & my Father were good grandparents & were always there for me in any area that the kids were concerned. So this is part of the reason I was so taken aback when she chose to steal from Jacob! I truly didn't see that one coming at all, and for me it was the final straw. You can hurt me over & over but cross that line & hurt my kids.. that is it! I told her that & while hysterical crying & begging for her not to do it.. she said she was going to proceed & if I chose to never talk to her again because of it that was my decision. At any rate I don't care to rehash that whole thing but just to give you an idea as to what position my family is in.

Do we pass on bad relationships to our kids? I wonder this because I grew up as my children will now. Without cousins, family reunions, family vacations, picnics.. nothing! (From my Dad's side) This hurt me then and still does now. I've always craved a Norman Rockwell type family life, I've always wanted a brother & sister I could be close to, extended family to connect with and sadly I've just never had it. My father was the only one with siblings & he cut both of them & their families out of his life. I've got about 15 cousins out there somewhere that I've always wanted to know & connect with but never have. It breaks my heart to think that I am dooming my children to the same heartbreak & loneliness. I know that a certain level of dysfunction comes with each family but I think when it crosses over to constant hurt & bad influences for your children you need to pull away.

My sister & I started to have that close relationship after I moved here but fate stepped in and completely wiped that out, forcing us both to live through our worst nightmares. Now as much as I long to be closer to her it will never be the same. We can never get our families together, no picnic, no vacations nothing.

As I type this out my heart aches & I feel the loneliness I've had growing up just consume me now. I've gotten no family anymore.. it's all gone. Thank God for my children & Brad. He always tells me that family is what you make of it & there is hope that we are doing things right with our children that I can see all my greatest desires for that Norman Rockwell type family come true with them. This is my greatest wish! It's been a very hard year & this reflection hurts. There have been a lot of great losses in my life this year..my Dad being the most. I would give all I have to talk to him once more, put my arms around him & hear his advice for all this. I also have been greatly blessed with wonderful friends that I truly love just like they were my real family. So I guess for what people are no longer in my life as this year concludes, God has turned around & given me others to fill that void. So as I look at this situation it's kind of bittersweet.