Preparing for a Girls Just Want to Have Fun Scrapbook Crop

Finishing up on last minute touches to my Girl Scout Troops Scrapbook Crop this Sat! I'm excited. So far this has proved to be a great fundraiser. We have had many generous people give donations, time & my church has offered us the use of the fellowship hall to host this event! We will have 6 different local direct sales vendors doing classes and setting up tables throughout the day as well as a great tricky tray auction. Brad will be our on site cook and catering lunch & dinner to all the wonderful scrapping ladies. I've only been to one crop before & I truly hope that I can pull this off successfully! I've had a lot of great advice from a friend that does a huge crop every year so I think I'm on track for the most part! If all goes well I hope to make this an annual event!

Separation of Church & Family

Well where to begin with this post. I feel that there has been something missing in my life and in those of my family as well. I believe it is going to church, learning more about God & our connection to him. I do have a very deep spiritual belief in him that I don't think necessarily fits into any one specific religion. It's more of a broad belief in God. I believe that God is the Alpha, Omega- he is everything/everyone. I believe that he created us & this earth. I believe that he is known to me as Jesus/God but to others he is known as something different such as Allah,Budda orwhatever else is out there. I believe that he created this earth & us, knowing that we would have religious wars, but that he made himself available to everyone in the form they would best accept. There is nowhere in this world that you can go without learning or hearing of God or some religion. So to me you might take a different path with your beliefs in this life, but I think all roads lead to God. Now I'm not saying that I don't believe that Jesus isn't the son of God- I do, but I believe that this was the way he found to get into my heart. I believe God has touched my life in numerous ways & truly believe with my whole heart that he has a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it was. I believe that I have felt the presence of God in my life several times, I am an avid prayer & believe in the power of prayer. I believe in God & have a love for him that I do want to honor that by teaching my children about him, I want to build my marriage upon faith & a mutual belief in him. I want us to be a God fearing honorable family-here’s the hiccup. I don’t know how to do that!! There seems to be a major separation of church & family. Brad and I have tried several churches on for size when we first moved to TN. And eventually found one that we though fit. We became regulars in the pews and even in bible study. But it ended with a bad experience with some of the people there & it really put a bad taste in Brad’s mouth. I'm willing to overlook it so our children grow in that church to learn & have the church family, but Brad is unwilling. Ever since I’ve tried to get him to go to others & even back there but it’s all I can do to get him to go every now & again. I have a yearning to join a church, to be a part of a community & a church family. I want to go to bible studies & learn but it’s really hard when #1 you’re husband tells you point blank, “I know in my heart I LOVE GOD, and I LOVE YOU, and understand that both are connected, a church is tough for me, I see way to much judgment from people and that really gets under my skin, I really wouldn’t mind to sit and read the bible aloud with the whole family.” And #2 you’ve never grown up doing this and it’s hard to give up your Sundays, Weds and get into that routine when you are as busy as we are. To understand how I came to my beliefs you'd have to know that as a child I was raised Catholic. My father was a non practicing something- with a great anger towards God because of what he saw in his life through fighting in the Vietnam war, my Mother claimed to be die hard type Catholic, but never actually read the bible and only went to church some Christmas's & some Easters. I went to CCD but never any further. I'd never went to a bible study or anything else. However I was taught the Lord's Prayer, my Rosary, to respect God and believe in Jesus as my savior. I was taught to believe in Angels and also believe in Saints- all the while my Mom would take me for Tea leaf and psychic readings so it's no wonder why I have a broad vision of my belief in God. Brad grew up only going to church with friends from school so he was never really taught anything much either. Believe it or not but my limited knowledge of things I'm the one who knows more!! AHH! I am proud to say that through the years since Brad & I have been together I've seen his relationship with God flourish & was witness to his acceptance of him in his life! I was wonderful, but now there is a disconnect. What to do, what to do! I feel like I’ve been put in charge of the families spiritual path but I am failing them horribly. I guess I need to pray on it. Oh & for the 3 people reading this blog, try not to judge me to harshly. I do my best to be a good person and honor what I believe to be true to me & my relationship with God. I know that a lot of Christians will condemn me to hell because of some of my comments but I guess that will be for me and God to work out.

Friday the 13th

Well I woke up this morning and felt alright but then as the day progressed (btw I've only been awake 2 hrs) I can tell it's going to be one of those days. Dropped by glasses, my phone, forgot my heart meds, got stopped in the car rider line about 6 times, had to go back home.. etc etc.. Right now I'm totally grumpy & I can just feel the disdain oozing from me. The biggest things on the forefront of my frustration/disappointment today is Girl Scouts. I really think I need to take a break from being a leader/volunteer for a while. I love it so very much and it's really become a part of who I am. I enjoy doing it but when I seem to be the only person putting in effort to make event, activities happen it's very discouraging. I don't expect a thank you nor am I looking for accolades, but just an active participation would be helpful. Reading the email I took time away from my day to type up, RSVPing when I'm planning an event that you stated you wanted, assisting in the planning and organizing an event that will benefit you & your child. I can't do these things alone, although I mostly have been for the past 6 years. I am expected to not only plan, run the events but also keep a website running w/event information, a calendar, reminders and periodically send out reminders. When my emails, and reminders go unanswered I'm forced to text each individual person in order to be able to get an answer. Heck for that matter I've had to even do that numerous times as well as remind them & text up till 15 minutes before an event! It's ridiculous. Part of me doesn't mind this because I'm doing this first & foremost for my daughter, so she has a great GS experience, and then for the girls in my troop and SU area but it's just really hard to be the only adult really giving all she's got to pull things off alone. There has to be parent support in order for things to really make things easier & more fun for all. I guess to most of them Girl Scouts is just an activity that keeps their child occupied for a few hours, but for them & for me it's much more. This is why I think I need to step down for a while. I don't want to leave GS at all, I just would like to have those I'm working with respect the time & dedication I'm putting forth for their children & at least read the emails, respond, be on time and offer to help when it's obvious the event we have going on is a huge undertaking that is next to impossible for 1 person to plan, organize & pull off by herself. Although this seems to be a theme to my whole life from family to friends.. I seem to give & really take the time to remember birthdays, send a card or call, I RSVP, I think of people when they have babies, surgery acknowledge anniversaries but none of that seems to be reciprocated. I really do try to give everyone my all by being a good thoughtful friend but I guess I'm over extending & falling short somewhere. I do all these things not expecting anything in return but it would be nice to have things reciprocated & have someone be mindful of me. I truly don't think that's too much to ask do you? I always thought I learned the lesson to give without expectation of anything returned- just to give for givings sake but when do you say I've given enough...? I think I've reached that point.

Dream Believer

Well I spent the better part of my drive to work today day dreaming about winning the lottery again!! In all the things I thought of doing the biggest thing was being excited about not shopping or traveling but being able to really touch & change other peoples lives around me. Hell if I won the whole jackpot 540 million, I could change thousands of lives & leave a legacy behind long after I'm gone! Now THAT would be priceless! First stop would be to set up a college scholarship fund for my beloved Girl Scouts!! Then I'd want to go rescue those night walking kids in South Africa, build them a school, housing create a town and safe sanctuary for them. Then I'd start a foundation for Lung/Brain cancer in honor of my father with a big push campaign to stop smoking. Those are all the philanthropic things I'd dream about doing. Then of course there is the self serving materialistic side where I'd love to be on the phone telling those I love to quit there jobs and to join the Fab 5 on a trip around the world! Building my off the grid green compound and spending my days learning new hobbies and spending time with my husband & kids. How awesome would that be?!! Dreams this good SHOULD get to come true right?!! Oh I am a dream believer..

Family Fallout

I have come to realize that in this life I've been blessed with a lot. Great kids and a fabulous husband and wonderful friends who have become sisters from the heart! Problem is that I was dealt a bum hand in the actual blood relative department. My father was great but let's face it had his dysfunctional issues that we all have but overall he was a great man, loved me unconditionally and was there for me to his last dying day. I shutter to think what he would think & say about all that has transpired since his passing in August. There has been a complete breakdown of the family, mostly at my hand. I have felt as I have posted previously in other post that during my childhood it was always presented to me through my father or mother that it was "them- My Mom, 1/2 Brother & 1/2 sister" and "us- my Dad & I". There was always a separation between us and rarely were there times when I felt that we were ever a solid family unit. My Dad treated both my 1/2 Sister & my 1/2 brother as though they were his own & in strange form their father is actually my God father & was always there for me with a check or to count on if needed throughout my life. In that respect I think we were all very blessed with 2 men that had/have their major flaws but ultimately loved & cared for us. Sadly my brother for lack of pulling punches is F#$%ed up! He's a woman beating, abusive, inconsiderate, philandering, rude, selfish and abusive person. I have a hard time standing by and turning a blind eye every time he abused a woman from my grandmother, to his girlfriends to me. My mom always made excuses for him saying that he is slow or has mental problems but really how many times can this be an issue. Currently he's married and has 2 kids-I don't know the state of his marriage with his woman nor do I care, but with this relationship as well as all the others he can't ever seem to take time to be an actual brother or uncle, no calls, cards nothing- out of sight out of mind. So why should I put in effort when there is clearly none ever put in my direction? You got it.. I don't bother anymore- Lots of water went under the bridge and I just decided enough was enough- I love him and wish him well but we don't have a relationship- I've never heard from him so I'm assuming he agrees & has no problem with this arrangement. My mother- same thing.. so the only one left was my 1/2 sister. Let's just say this, we've had our fair share of issues & weren't the closest growing up cause she was so much older & gone. I had for a brief fleeting moment hope once upon a few years ago that we would grow close & be best friends and things seemed to be moving in that direction then a bomb hit in way of a worst nightmare that I won't put online struck us and tore the budding relationship apart. Since then we've tried to stay connected but we could never take the time to actually visit, not that she would anyway. I'm always been that poster child for a black sheep in the family, misunderstood, loud, judgmental, brazen, quick tempered & outspoken. I've grown a lot & have tried to be more patient, understanding, I'm not as quick to loose my temper but you know I just can't seem to make it work with these people. I believe in loyalty and have tried numerous times to show that but never did it come my way from her, at least if it did I sure wasn't aware of it. I do like her, she can be sweet and funny but I do not agree with her choices and let's face it, when you don't agree with how one raises their children it makes things harder..... A LOT harder. (Not even touching on the kids but that's another pandora's box) Now I've found out today that I've been cut off from friendship on FB & blocked!! I laughed.. all this because she reconnected with a mental case from our childhood (seriously he is a nut job-I found out the hard way). Goodness only knows what he's told her to cause her to cut me off but oh well, I'm truthfully not that hurt by it. The thing that most bothers me is not knowing what I've supposedly done.. perhaps it was confiding in this nut job about our mutual nightmare.. maybe not. Either way, that is on her not me. Actually it kind of gives me a peace within myself knowing I'm rid of all those dysfunctional people from my past. They aren't present in my day to day life, nor do they want to be and believe me, I sure don't want to be in theirs. I wish them all well, thank them for the good & bad memories cause without the bad I really couldn't appreciate all those wonderful people I do have in my life that matter. You know I tell the kids all the time if you start to point fingers at everyone else eventually you realize you are the one with the problem.. I always thought that it was me but now I know that living with a family who's dysfunctions include lies, abuse, betrayal, molestation, alcohol abuse, philandering, manipulation, jealousy and selfishness.. It's not ME!! I wonder how my Dad looking down would see all of this, part of me feels like that my Dad... the REAL Dad would be glad for me and would say it's about time. Over the years he was knocked down by depression and life and lost his edge and fight. I think that if he was the clear thinking man that cut both his siblings off for less than me would understand as he did so without regret.... hmm all of this isn't so cut & dry- it's messy. I pray that God forgives the role that I have played in the fallout of my family and that I've made the right choices. I know that he put these people in my life for a reason, I just pray that I've lived out those reasons and I'm right in my decision to move on from them. I have a recurring memory that pops in my head of my Dad learning that his sister had passed months before and me feeling so badly for him & asking him if he regretted not making up with her and I remember clear as day he said, "Ehh nope.".. then I had a slight wandering thought in my head about how it will feel when I learn that they have each passed away one by one, will I regret this break, somehow I don't think so. My biggest fear in all of this is that history will repeat itself and this fallout will come to those that I do hold dear, my children. I pray with my whole heart & soul that Brad & I are a better Mother & Father to them, and we are a better example of "normal", but how do you teach family unity & loyalty when we have both cut ourselves off from all the dysfunction in ours.

Traditional Italian Easter Bread

Grandma's Italian Easter Bread

1 package Rapid Rise (instant) yeast (about 2-1/4 teaspoons) (I have also used my bread machine yeast which is an acceptable alternative)
1 1/2 cups milk
1/2 tsp of salt
1/3 cup butter
2 eggs, beaten
3/4 cup sugar- can reduce to 1/2 cup sugar if you watching intake

4 cups bread or all purpose flour (approximate)
1 egg, beaten with 1 teaspoon of water
6 dyed Easter eggs-already boiled if you like well done eggs
the Easter eggs do not need to be hard boiled. They cook when the bread bakes but to a med-rare soft yellow. I usually just dye the eggs raw without hard boiling them. Saves time. Just be careful they don't crack!
sprinkles or pearlized sugar



In a small saucepan, warm the milk and butter together, just till butter melts. In a large mixer bowl, combine yeast, salt, eggs and sugar. Add the warm (not hot - it will kill the yeast) milk and butter. Add about half the flour and beat until smooth with dough hook. Slowly add the remaining flour to form a stiff dough. Don't worry about how much flour it ends up being, just keep adding until the dough is not sticky anymore. Knead until smooth with either dough hook attachment or turn out on floured board and knead. Place in a greased bowl, cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about an hour.

Punch dough down, divide into 12 pieces. Roll each piece to form a 1 inch thick rope about 14 inches long and, taking two pieces, twist to form a "braid", pinching the ends, and loop into a circle.

Place on two baking sheets lined with non stick tin foil, parchment paper or Silpats. Cover and let rise until double, about an hour again. Brush each bread with beaten egg wash. Put on the sprinkles or pearl sugar. In the middle of each bread ring, gently place an Easter egg, making an indentation with the egg.

Bake at 350 degrees until golden - about 20 minutes. Cool on rack.

You can eat the eggs, but if you leave the bread sitting out for a few hours, don't eat them. We usually serve these w/butter fresh out of the oven and some egg in the middle! SO YUMMY

Things that really matter in life

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the things in life that really matter. It's not money, what new toy you bought or how clean your house is. It's the little things.. all the little things that add up. Your friend thinking of you when she's shopping, a card or kind email from a friend, your husband cooking dinner or rubbing your feet. Your children smiling & hugging you when you walk in the door. Life and everything that we have material things & even people in our lives are so easily taken for granted with the day to day grind of life. It's so easy to skip saying I love you, I'm sorry or thank you to those around you when you're in a rush. As I get older I care less about what I have and much more for who I can spend my time with. My husband, he is an amazing man. I'm not saying he doesn't get on my nerves from time to time but he is a GOOD MAN! The kind of man you want to be the father of your children. Brad is thoughtful, kind, caring, generous to a fault, loving, patient.. he is everything that I could ever hope to have in a mate and a father for my children. My best friend Jen, she is also very kind, thoughtful, understanding, calming, supportive, loving. She is everything I could ever want for a best friend. I feel so blessed to have both these wonderful people in my life. My children, written words are hard to form when thinking of describing these 3. They are all so much like me, but so much better people than I could ever count myself. They lift me up with laughter, love and support in a way I've never known in my life. We often wonder what life is all about- why are we here, what is our purpose. I am realizing that for me it's not about sweating the small things, but to really enjoy the people I have in my life. To enrich their life and time on this earth as much as they do for me. They are what really matter to me. Life has a way of knocking you down with hard times, but if you know what really matters in life, the people you share it with, they can always help you back onto your feet. I have really been trying to keep focused on my New Year's resolutions to be a better person, friend, mother, wife. One way I've decided to do that is in surrounding myself with those that lift me higher, not drag me down. My husband has been a great asset to me in teaching me this. I can loose sight when things get hard and he has always be there to be the anchor to ground me when I need it. So what really matters in your life? Is it the people God has put in your path, your job, vacation, material things? Are you able to appreciate life's little pleasures and see them when they are presented to you? I bet that you can find something each day that really matters. I know I can.