Hormones & Weight Loss

Well it's been a while since my last post. I have been in a slump & quiet. Menopause has officially started to kick in & is wreaking havoc on my emotions. I have been really trying to stay on top of it by being aware but depression has gradually crept in and really threw me for a loop the past 2-3 weeks. Sadly I've taking it out on those closest to me, namely my poor sweet husband Brad. I've been running hot then cold. One minute I am like get away from me you are annoying me, then the next I'm like why isn't he with me, feeling neglected and like he doesn't love me anymore. I've been depressed over my weight, things have been breaking around the house- lost all the food in our freezer after I just stocked it up, Jake & Gabby are in FL and barely call me so all of it's been weighing heavily on me to the point that I was thinking what is the point of it all. Man, this is just NOT ME!! I have never been the moody type so this is really hard for me. Thankfully had a moment of self-awareness yesterday and talked to Brad about how I was feeling and apologized. Ever sweet he replied it's ok, he still loves me, he's noticed & was going to say something but didn't want to upset me so he's just gave me space. :( I've decided to run to the health food store today to buy some Black Cohash and give that a try to see if it helps. As for my weight I've kind of fallen off with my eating and counting calories. The depression side tracked me & I was looking for any outlet to make me feel better- #1 choice FOOD! Damn it.. WHY??!!! ARGH so frustrating. However I have kept up with my workouts, not daily BUT I have been averaging 2-4 days per week and it's really been helping. So at least I haven't fallen completely off the wagon! I aim to get back on track this week, and continue on with no more mistakes till at the very least I leave for Savannah with my girls on June 22. My goal is to have lost at least 10 pounds by then. Just under a month. I know I can do this if I just put my mind to it. These days I'm very thankful for my friend Michelle, she is on this journey with me and has really been keeping me motivated! THANKS MICHELLE!! Her routine check ins and motivating texts have really helped me. I wish I could help her the same way but right now these damn hormones have ruled my world the past few weeks but NO MORE! I refuse to let it continue any longer- so that Black Cohash had better work.

Worst Mother's Day Ever!

All I can say is I must SUCK as a Mother & Wife!! Yesterday was the worst Mother's Day I've ever had. I guess "MY" problem is that I had expectations of being celebrated, spoiled & appreciated. Unfortunately to my disappointment my expectations were as usual set way to high. I had always thought as the kids grew older Mother's Days would keep getting better but apparently not. I was asked a couple times in the weeks preceding what I wanted and I simply replied that I just didn't want to be the one to plan out my own day. Surprise me. I am always the one who plans & executes every event, activity, celebration & party we have! For this one I told my husband I just want to go along for the ride. Well maybe that was my problem. I awoke to find Brad & Gabby making me breakfast at 9am. Crepes! I love crepes! Gabby had made me a beautiful card and typed up a letter w/a home made painting! It was wonderful, touching & I loved it!! I was thinking this is going to be a great start to a great day.. Right? ... nope- this was the highlight although I didn't know it! Bless my husband for trying but he didn't get done cooking till like 11:30am. I ended up with great eggs, ok sausage and burnt unedible crepes. But hey he got an A for effort in my book, and I was not disappointed in the least. I am all about effort, thought an gesture over execution. However he told me what he was going to make for dinner, it's an Italian dish w/home made pasta that he's never made before. Why did he think he could do this now? It's not like it's my favorite dinner or anything. He says just tell me how & I can do it. Well ladies, as you know that's not how it would end up.. If he took on this dinner for which there is no recipe, I would be the one cooking it and I didn't want to cook at all. So I tried repeatedly to discourage him from making this. I was told weeks before that dessert would be my favorite.. Tiramisu.. again my husband has never made this. It's not that I don't think he can do it, I know he can but every time I give him a recipe to follow he takes liberties & tries to make it his own instead of just doing it exactly the way it's supposed to be done. This drives me nuts.. when I love a recipe the way it is.. I've begged please just leave it alone. I told him this ahead of time & he said he would. So I asked about it as I was really looking forward to this dessert (I even offered to make it) but he told me it was scrapped & we weren't doing it! UGH.. that stunk. Last we spoke on Friday he told me he wanted to rise to the challenge of making this just the way I do since I had doubt.. my mouth was watering I was ready for it.. SLAM.. NO TIRAMISU :( Since there didn't seem to be an immediate plan for anything I began laundry, straightening up and clipping coupons. Evan woke up- never said Happy Mother's Day... Jake woke up came in my craft room.. no good morning, no I love you, no Happy Mother's Day.. he just started complaining about the dishes he had to do. Eventually he mumbled a Happy Mother's Day before retreating to his bedroom for the rest of the DAY! Brad came to help me with my coupons but didn't say much about anything. I decided since it didn't look like anything was going to go on I'd go to the store to coupon. I told Brad what I was doing, by this time he was hammering & sawing on a project on the back deck. I thought that perhaps if something was planned I'd hear about it.. It's like 3 pm. Nope.. nothing! I walked upstairs, peeked in on Jake & offered to take him to his girlfriend's house on my way to the store. He had asked me on Sat if he could do this, i figured at this point why not. He wasn't going to be spending any time with me and it was apparent they hadn't planned one thing to celebrate the day. I took my shower and it hit me that they really weren't going to do a thing, no card, no special dinner that I liked.. no dessert, no outing.. nothing was organized.. not one thing. I began to cry like a BIG BABY! It really hurt my feelings. I never expected that, but I guess that was my problem, expectations. I was really disappointed in Brad for not getting the kids together to at the very least make or buy me a card. He later told me that he had planned a picnic and a hike but it rained and no alternate plans ever came about. I went couponing & Jake began to text me apologies about not doing anything.. I told him to forget it. I had my moment, cried and now just to forget it. I really meant it. Last thing I want is a guilt ridden forced pity card or celebration. I got home, no one even helped me bring in the groceries (RAINING PEOPLE) .. (SERIOUSLY.. this is beginning to feel like a joke) No one but GABBY (THIS GIRL IS QUICKLY BECOMING MY FAVORITE PERSON) helped unpack them! At this point everyone knew I was hurt & upset so I just decided it better that I go to my craft room, read & be left alone. Jake ended up typing me up a letter & literally threw it at my face & walked away! (Sorry son- to little to late) Evan told Brad the letter he made me last week was going to be counted as my Mother's Day gift. (this was SO not a Mother's Day gift) Brad made a dinner- it was a good dinner, just not one that I could eat due to my gallbladder surgery. He knew this but apparently forgot or just didn't care. He made a dessert that I'm sure he thought was great but I'd never eat..too sweet & in my opinion wouldn't go together. Walnut brownies w/choc chip mint ice cream sandwiches.. Sounds gross just typing it up.. YUCK! I am trying not to feel like an ungrateful person but like I said I'm more about the gesture & thought not execution.. to me there was NO thought put into this day, this dinner, or dessert. It was nothing about celebrating me as a mom at all. If it was it would have been something I liked - Gabby kept asking me why is he making this dinner it's my favorite not yours? Why did he make this dessert? Honey I just don't know... I ended up making myself carrot sticks & dip cause it was like 8:00pm.. Brad was pissed, skipped dinner and just went to bed. I feel like a gigantic piece of crap! Two conclusions could be made in my opinion of this day.. #1: I am completely self absorbed, have high expectations, am stuck up and not happy with efforts made however big or small. Or #2: am a piece of crap Mom/wife that didn't deserve anyone to take the forethought to plan a celebration or even get a card. Either way.. I SUCK!! I still really feel broken hearted over this and have decided to forever BAN MOTHER'S DAY in my house!! PS.. I do want to give a HUGE shout out to my daughter Gabriella, who's wonderful giving & thoughtful heart is truly appreciated!!! She made me the only card I received, and did her best to dote on me by giving me a pedicure and hand scrub. For the boys in my house they can all suck it!!!!! I love you!! MOM

New Blog

Hi ALL, I started a new blog yesterday. http://fatmommysbottom.blogspot.com/ WARNING!!! It is UBER sensitive and explicit. It's ugly and not for the light of heart.. well maybe not that bad but it's VERY personal. I think I made the most raw outpouring of my current view of myself as an overweight woman. Let's just say it's not pretty at all. I didn't post it to Facebook because it was hard enough creating that blog & posting it to begin with. I don't know if I could handle some of the people I am friends with on FB knowing & reading all that about me. Yes.. you know them..we've all got those people.. Haters and the Judgmental ones!! lmao Right now I need support and encouragement.. not to feel shamed. Trust me, I do that enough to myself. Nothing can shame you more than and Italian with Catholic guilt and believe me I've got that in spades!! However, as I type this I'm debating on posting this to FB. Maybe yesterday was step one, and I need to push myself to step two. Being honest & facing reality about my current situation. Somehow seeing things in black & white really hits home for me. Then again I am doing that already by just posting this for me to read. Most people read it and my other blog posts & silently judge from their computers. Most do not put themselves out there by making comments. It would be great if they did. I like to have feedback even if it's not the most positive. At least I know my words are causing sort of impact. Is that egotistical? Or perhaps needy? hmmmm.. I don't know. For those that do take the time out of your day to visit my blog, read my posts & take in my ramblings.. THANK YOU! Hopefully I've impacted your day in some little way with a laugh, gave you pause to reflect inward or just a moment or two of mindless entertainment. If I've done that at least it's something.

Teacher Appreciation Week Phooey!!

Well I have to say over the years my disdain & resentment for the made up & forced down your throat week long holiday of "Teacher Appreciation Week" is a bunch of CRAP! Most of the teachers I know earn at least $36,000-$42,000.00 per year, have health benefits and get to sit by the pool for over 10 weeks of the year while still collecting a paycheck. They get spring break/summer break, Christmas break, fall break and snow days!! Not counting the budget they are allotted for supplies (I know some teachers who use this for their own personal stuff instead of for the classroom). I understand the importance of a good teacher, one who is invested in our children's lives and works late to make sure you're child is learning. But honestly to date what I've seen in teachers today is a far cry from the teachers I grew up with. Over the years I've worked for the teachers in my kids classrooms so I'm not blind to what they deal with on a day to day basis. Most have a daily teachers aide's or parents willing to make copies and help with parties (at least in my children's schools), parent's are expected to pay a $75.00 supply fee and still buy over $100.00 of supplies at the beginning of the year which consist of a lot of teacher supplies such as dry erase markers etc. I know how hard it is to deal with large groups of children & in most cases it's even harder to deal with the parents but that's what they signed up for when they became a teacher. I also think that they get off really freakin good with being able to become Tenured!! Most jobs don't have that. It's basically like a do what you want & you can't lose your job card!! It's not fair!! I have met many teachers that use this tenure to behave in a manor unbecoming a teacher but they can still get away with it! They should be able to be held accountable as in other jobs!! Each job has it's perks & problems, in mine it's a perk to be able to help someone get a SSA check, the downfalls are hearing clients crying on the phone who have been diagnosed with a fatal disease, they become homeless or they pass away before they receive a check. It's my job, it's what I went to school for and signed up for. I think it's crap to be handed a list and told that I need to have to provide a gift for each teacher (I have 3 kids- each kid has a min of 5 teachers) EACH day for 5 days!! Where do they get off?? As it is most teachers get a gift from students a Christmas (if everyone sent something in that would be (again in my kids classes) over 26 gifts) Let's just say only 1/2 brought something in that would still be 13 gifts from just ONE of their classes!! That's a damn big haul and in my children's case they don't ever receive a gift back from their teacher! I think teaching is an honorable job and acknowledge that it's not the easiest but it should be one of the most rewarding- shaping lives of our future leaders. BUT BUT!!! so is being a police officer, nurse among so many other professions- do they get a week long celebration? NOPE... I think teachers need to start learning to appreciate those who want to show appreciation without it being crammed down our throats... I know I'd appreciate a thank you more if it was given freely. So let me say Bravo to those hard working teachers who give more than the bare minimum and to the others.. learn to feel appreciated when you're cashing your paycheck & sitting by the damn pool!!! I know I would!!

Girl Scouting In My Heart

It's been a while since my last blog. I've had lots going on from the Scrapbook crop (which went amazingly well!! BRAVO US!!!) to a weekend camp out with my troop at Camp Juliette Low (FABULOUS). Girl Scouts really has taken over the majority of my free time. Who would have thought when I made that commitment 6 years ago to begin this journey with Gabby to be her Daisy Leader that I would be so involved. Girl Scouts has really changed who I am and helped shaped the person I am. I know that sounds silly but even though I was never a scout as a kid, you are still growing as a person even as an adult and it's really shaped me. I have changed so much, I am more patient, humble, I've learned to step back and relinquish control to those girls and I have even come to terms with public speaking. I may not be the best at it but I'm leaps & bounds better than when I first started. I set out to have a fun activity with Gabby and now Girl Scouting is a part of me each & every day. I've been blessed to have formed friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. I am approaching my last meeting as SUM and I have mixed emotions. Part of me is happy to be done with the responsibility of another big commitment and the fact that I won't have to deal with the troublesome drama queens that exist as leaders in the SU, but on the other hand I am very sad. I would have liked to stay on working with the girls, planning events and watching them experience new things-that was the very best part of it all. I hope that the years I served I was able to touch the lives of at least one person and was able to set the light of Girl Scouts in their hearts the way it was done for me! The values of the Girl Scout Promise and Law are at the heart of the entire Girl Scout program. Through the values inherent in the Promise & Law, girls form their own beliefs and values, learn to consider ethical aspects of situations, and are committed to social justice and community service and action. I really try to live by the promise & the law! Girl Scout Promise and Law The Girl Scout Promise and Law are shared by every member of Girl Scouting. The Girl Scout Promise is the way Girl Scouts agree to act every day toward one another and other people, and the Law outlines a way to act towards one another and the world. The Girl Scout Promise On my honor, I will try: To serve God* and my country, To help people at all times, And to live by the Girl Scout Law. The Girl Scout Law I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout. GO GIRL SCOUTS!!!! THANK YOU JULIETTE LOW.. I bet when you started this you could have never imagined how it would grow and how many lives would be changed by what you started!!