Family Fallout

I have come to realize that in this life I've been blessed with a lot. Great kids and a fabulous husband and wonderful friends who have become sisters from the heart! Problem is that I was dealt a bum hand in the actual blood relative department. My father was great but let's face it had his dysfunctional issues that we all have but overall he was a great man, loved me unconditionally and was there for me to his last dying day. I shutter to think what he would think & say about all that has transpired since his passing in August. There has been a complete breakdown of the family, mostly at my hand. I have felt as I have posted previously in other post that during my childhood it was always presented to me through my father or mother that it was "them- My Mom, 1/2 Brother & 1/2 sister" and "us- my Dad & I". There was always a separation between us and rarely were there times when I felt that we were ever a solid family unit. My Dad treated both my 1/2 Sister & my 1/2 brother as though they were his own & in strange form their father is actually my God father & was always there for me with a check or to count on if needed throughout my life. In that respect I think we were all very blessed with 2 men that had/have their major flaws but ultimately loved & cared for us. Sadly my brother for lack of pulling punches is F#$%ed up! He's a woman beating, abusive, inconsiderate, philandering, rude, selfish and abusive person. I have a hard time standing by and turning a blind eye every time he abused a woman from my grandmother, to his girlfriends to me. My mom always made excuses for him saying that he is slow or has mental problems but really how many times can this be an issue. Currently he's married and has 2 kids-I don't know the state of his marriage with his woman nor do I care, but with this relationship as well as all the others he can't ever seem to take time to be an actual brother or uncle, no calls, cards nothing- out of sight out of mind. So why should I put in effort when there is clearly none ever put in my direction? You got it.. I don't bother anymore- Lots of water went under the bridge and I just decided enough was enough- I love him and wish him well but we don't have a relationship- I've never heard from him so I'm assuming he agrees & has no problem with this arrangement. My mother- same thing.. so the only one left was my 1/2 sister. Let's just say this, we've had our fair share of issues & weren't the closest growing up cause she was so much older & gone. I had for a brief fleeting moment hope once upon a few years ago that we would grow close & be best friends and things seemed to be moving in that direction then a bomb hit in way of a worst nightmare that I won't put online struck us and tore the budding relationship apart. Since then we've tried to stay connected but we could never take the time to actually visit, not that she would anyway. I'm always been that poster child for a black sheep in the family, misunderstood, loud, judgmental, brazen, quick tempered & outspoken. I've grown a lot & have tried to be more patient, understanding, I'm not as quick to loose my temper but you know I just can't seem to make it work with these people. I believe in loyalty and have tried numerous times to show that but never did it come my way from her, at least if it did I sure wasn't aware of it. I do like her, she can be sweet and funny but I do not agree with her choices and let's face it, when you don't agree with how one raises their children it makes things harder..... A LOT harder. (Not even touching on the kids but that's another pandora's box) Now I've found out today that I've been cut off from friendship on FB & blocked!! I laughed.. all this because she reconnected with a mental case from our childhood (seriously he is a nut job-I found out the hard way). Goodness only knows what he's told her to cause her to cut me off but oh well, I'm truthfully not that hurt by it. The thing that most bothers me is not knowing what I've supposedly done.. perhaps it was confiding in this nut job about our mutual nightmare.. maybe not. Either way, that is on her not me. Actually it kind of gives me a peace within myself knowing I'm rid of all those dysfunctional people from my past. They aren't present in my day to day life, nor do they want to be and believe me, I sure don't want to be in theirs. I wish them all well, thank them for the good & bad memories cause without the bad I really couldn't appreciate all those wonderful people I do have in my life that matter. You know I tell the kids all the time if you start to point fingers at everyone else eventually you realize you are the one with the problem.. I always thought that it was me but now I know that living with a family who's dysfunctions include lies, abuse, betrayal, molestation, alcohol abuse, philandering, manipulation, jealousy and selfishness.. It's not ME!! I wonder how my Dad looking down would see all of this, part of me feels like that my Dad... the REAL Dad would be glad for me and would say it's about time. Over the years he was knocked down by depression and life and lost his edge and fight. I think that if he was the clear thinking man that cut both his siblings off for less than me would understand as he did so without regret.... hmm all of this isn't so cut & dry- it's messy. I pray that God forgives the role that I have played in the fallout of my family and that I've made the right choices. I know that he put these people in my life for a reason, I just pray that I've lived out those reasons and I'm right in my decision to move on from them. I have a recurring memory that pops in my head of my Dad learning that his sister had passed months before and me feeling so badly for him & asking him if he regretted not making up with her and I remember clear as day he said, "Ehh nope.".. then I had a slight wandering thought in my head about how it will feel when I learn that they have each passed away one by one, will I regret this break, somehow I don't think so. My biggest fear in all of this is that history will repeat itself and this fallout will come to those that I do hold dear, my children. I pray with my whole heart & soul that Brad & I are a better Mother & Father to them, and we are a better example of "normal", but how do you teach family unity & loyalty when we have both cut ourselves off from all the dysfunction in ours.